I recently heard from a wife who was quite skeptical of the way that her husband was acting. She had recently found out about his affair and from the moment that she did, her husband was just about falling over himself to act as loving toward her as he possibly could. She said, in part: “it almost makes me sick how sweet he’s trying to be. He tells me I’m the perfect wife and he brings me flowers and other gifts. But he sure didn’t think I was the perfect wife when he was having an affair. And he was cold and distant to me when he carrying on with someone else. But, now that I’ve caught him, he’s done an about face and I’m not sure if I can trust him at all. I almost wish he wouldn’t try so hard and would just act in a genuine way.”
This wife’s concerns were not at all uncommon. I often hear from wives on both sides of this spectrum. Sometimes, the husband is defensive, cold, and distant toward the wife after the affair. And other times, he’ll show behavior that is the complete opposite. He’ll tell you that the threat of losing you made him realize how stupid he was and how much he actually loves you and wants to save the marriage. Of course, as much as some wives want to hear these words, they doubt them. How can he do an abrupt about face like this? He was lying then. Is he lying now? All of these questions come up and make the wife wonder if she should put any trust in what he is saying. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Sometimes, A Husband Will Say And Do Anything To Get Back Into Your Good Graces After His Cheating And His Affair: I dialog with both wives and husbands in this situation. And I can say with full confidence that the majority of men do not anticipate being caught. Many aren’t thinking about tomorrow or the future at that time. As crazy and as maddening as it sounds, many do not consider that their actions now will ruin their marriage later. So, when it all comes crashing down around them, they’re often a bit shocked, unprepared and they go scrambling about as harsh reality suddenly takes hold.
And it’s sometimes at this time that they come back down to reality and realize just how life altering this decision may have been. And this realization does sometimes bring about dramatic assertions and behaviors. Yes, they may well fear that they need to keep repeating how sorry they are and how much they love you because they know that you are going to be furious and aren’t going to believe what they say. So, in a sense they are trying to be proactive before your feelings have time to set in.
Of course, this is not all that realistic. No matter how they act, we have our own thoughts, concerns and questions. And usually, our husbands will come to realize this eventually. But until then, you’ll usually wonder just how sincere they really are.
Know That It’s Really The Long Term Behaviors That Matter The Most: I understand why his behavior might be infuriating. It can be very tempting to tell him to just stop acting so loving immediately because you aren’t buying it for a second. But, sometimes you can save yourself a lot of aggravation if you tell him that you’re hearing what he’s saying, you have your doubts, but will remain open to see what is going to happen in the long term.
Because quite frankly, it’s usually the long term that really shows you what is the truth. When every thing is new and dramatic, people say and do anything. And the feelings surrounding this are quite high. But with time, when things aren’t so shocking or new, you will likely see what his true intentions and feelings are. If he doesn’t really love you and isn’t sincerely sorry, that will usually become obvious with time. If he’s not sincere, this has a way of showing itself with time. It becomes very hard for him to fake it or to put on a show for the long term.
But the opposite is true of husbands who truly are sorry. They often remain somewhat constant because they were sincere all along. Often, you will really see what he is made of once the dust settles and it’s time to get down to work and begin the real rehabilitation. Men who are sincerely sorry, remorseful, and still invested will likely hang in there no matter how difficult this is for them because they know you are worth it to them.
Trusting what my husband was saying after his affair was a real challenge for me. I really struggled and would wake up one day ready to trust again only to back track by evening. Fortunately, I was able to educate myself on what I needed from both my husband and myself to move forward. It was worth it in the end because I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much more intimately. I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com